Thursday, September 22, 2011

Some nights it hits hard

Tonite just after bedtime Charlotte came out of her room and said she felt low. As usual she was accurate...Jay helped her check and she was 58 with insulin from dessert still on board. We gave her a juice box and 2 glucose tabs and sent her back to bed. It (treating low blood sugar) is a routine that isn't uncommon around our house lately...and I hate to say it's one I've become pretty numb to over time.

Jay and I stayed up and watched a movie. Once it was over, I went in to check on Charlotte one more time before going to sleep.

I walked in the two precious girls snuggled up together. I leaned in with a sigh of relief to see Charlotte's chest with a steady rise and fall. I touched her back...her skin was clammy. As I pulled her hand toward me to check her sugar she mumbled something. It sounded like she said "low" to I lanced her tiny finger I asked her what she said, but she had already drifted into a deep slumber. I held my breath as the meter counted down. Those 5 seconds felt like an eternity...but ended in relief as the screen flashed a good bedtime number back at me.

I started back to my bedroom as usual...but along the way it hit me...hard! I thought to myself how is it that just a few hours earlier we were giving Charlotte the juice and tabs to keep her from dropping too low...essentially saving her life...and then just carrying on as usual. How is it that I just went to check on my little girl to make sure she was okay...still breathing and not having a hypoglycemic emergency...and now I'm headed off to bed???

It hit me right in the gut. What if tonite her meter was off and she really was low...and she slips away. I know it's a could happen just like an instant. It could happen despite all the precautions taken and doing everything "right". It happens to other families. It could happen to us.....

It hit me hard tonite that for the better part of the past (nearly) six years I've put this stone wall up around me trying to keep our "new normal" normal and routine even though it's far from it.

So here I lay typing this post....thinking of it all...grieving the loss of our "normalcy" once again....but still resolving to wake up strong in the morning to "carry on as usual" for my precious girl.


  1. beautifully said Michelle. Completely feeling ya on this's insane really to sit back and actually realize that we are a lot of times numb to these occurances now. HUGS to you and thank you for posting this!

  2. I know that wall.

    Every now and then, I can feel the wall shake...but I manage to retreat to the safety of here and now.

    What if.

    I can't even go there.

  3. I am sorry I missed this post earlier. I know the feeling. I actually have a really difficult time in the mornings with testing him. Somehow at night that fog of sleep deprivation feeling like a robot turns off my emotions, but in the morning my heart wants to sob about the whole d thing, lancing his finger at that warm sweet moment just makes me feel like he has been robbed. Then there is the guilt, especially since many people believe, "we should have known, " with my husband having t1d and all...but geesh...ahhh.
    Anyhow, just wanted to tell you I hear ya and you're not alone in those moments, even when you feel like you just might be. ((Hugs))