Celebrating Six Years....

Today marks the 6th anniversary of the day Charlotte was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Yep, that's right...she was diagnosed on Halloween!

Charlotte just a few days after her diagnosis
November 5, 2005

Thinking back to that day I realize the emotions and harsh reality of the news hit me all at once as I sat there in the pediatrician's office, just me and Charlotte, watching the blood sugar number pop up on the meter...little did I know at the time that it would be the first of many (over 17,000 for her now...but whose counting). The number that flashed on the screen was over 460mg/dl. I honestly can't recall exactly what it was...I think I just mentally blocked it out as some sort of defense mechanism...but I immediately knew what it meant without anyone needing to say a word. I remember feeling overwhelmed as I sat there in that little room calling my husband to let him know that we were being sent to the hospital and asking him to meet us at home so that we could grab a few things first and drive together. And I remember trying to keep it together as I called our family, my supervisor at work, and Charlotte's daycare to let them know what was going on. After that it's all pretty fuzzy except for a few details.

Fortunately, we had some much needed comic relief on our way to the hospital...although I'm not sure it was as funny then as it is now. To this day I still laugh when I think that somehow we knew we were headed to the hospital across town and had a vague idea of where we were going (and directions from the ped), but actually drove right past our interstate exit and into the next state over (just a few extra miles) before realizing we were "lost".

Once we got there we were registered and brought straight to our room. I remember how sweet our nurse was when she came in and brought a cute little pumpkin lantern for Charlotte's bedside table. That Halloween night was supposed to have been a big deal for Charlotte. I had made her little witch costume (it was oh-so cute) and it was going to be her 1st time trick-or-treating. So, as minute a detail it may have seemed to the nursing staff, that little lantern meant a lot to us...it was like giving us a little bit of our special Halloween back!

Within a short time after being admitted, we met our endo (whom we adore) and began the whirlwind education that all newly diagnosed families receive. Over the next few days we learned to carb count, how to calculate and draw up insulin, check a blood sugar, and give our tiny little girl her shots. Once we demonstrated that "we had it figured out" and Charlotte was stable, we were released home...I'd be lying if I said I felt ready to do it all on our own. I remember wondering how we were going to manage to keep our precious girl alive (let alone healthy)! I won't lie...it isn't easy. And I agree with Hallie...it doesn't get easier...you just get better. There have definitely been bumps in the road along the way...and we've had our fair share of diabetes bloopers. But we have gotten better and we've made it through these past 6 years relatively unscathed.

So  tonite we're going to celebrate! Charlotte will dress up in costume (as a witch, nonetheless) and we will go trick-or-treating! And for those that may be wondering....yes, she can do that...in fact, she'll even eat a couple of pieces of her loot when she gets home - we'll just have to check her sugar before, count the carbs and give her some insulin if needed. We're going to do that not just because it's Halloween...but to celebrate another year that we've made it through and Charlotte has lived to the fullest despite diabetes!

Some nights it hits hard

Tonite just after bedtime Charlotte came out of her room and said she felt low. As usual she was accurate...Jay helped her check and she was 58 with insulin from dessert still on board. We gave her a juice box and 2 glucose tabs and sent her back to bed. It (treating low blood sugar) is a routine that isn't uncommon around our house lately...and I hate to say it's one I've become pretty numb to over time.

Jay and I stayed up and watched a movie. Once it was over, I went in to check on Charlotte one more time before going to sleep.

I walked in the room...my two precious girls snuggled up together. I leaned in with a sigh of relief to see Charlotte's chest with a steady rise and fall. I touched her back...her skin was clammy. As I pulled her hand toward me to check her sugar she mumbled something. It sounded like she said "low" to me...as I lanced her tiny finger I asked her what she said, but she had already drifted into a deep slumber. I held my breath as the meter counted down. Those 5 seconds felt like an eternity...but ended in relief as the screen flashed a good bedtime number back at me.

I started back to my bedroom as usual...but along the way it hit me...hard! I thought to myself how is it that just a few hours earlier we were giving Charlotte the juice and tabs to keep her from dropping too low...essentially saving her life...and then just carrying on as usual. How is it that I just went to check on my little girl to make sure she was okay...still breathing and not having a hypoglycemic emergency...and now I'm headed off to bed???

It hit me right in the gut. What if tonite her meter was off and she really was low...and she slips away. I know it's a reality...it could happen just like that...in an instant. It could happen despite all the precautions taken and doing everything "right". It happens to other families. It could happen to us.....

It hit me hard tonite that for the better part of the past (nearly) six years I've put this stone wall up around me trying to keep our "new normal" normal and routine even though it's far from it.

So here I lay typing this post....thinking of it all...grieving the loss of our "normalcy" once again....but still resolving to wake up strong in the morning to "carry on as usual" for my precious girl.

Diabetes Blog Week - Day 2; A letter to Charlotte

It's Day 2 of the 2nd Annual Diabetes Blog Week! And today is letter writing day...so I've chosen to write a letter to my daughter, Charlotte, who was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes 5-1/2 years ago at the age of 2.
(Warning: reading the contents of this letter may cause fluid leakage from the eyes)

My little ladybug - Charlotte
dx'd with Type 1 on 10/31/2005

Dear Charlotte,

There is just so much to say...yet I'm not really sure where to begin. We've been at this "D-thing" together now for just over 5-1/2 years. I'll never forget the day you were diagnosed...picking you up early from daycare and taking you to the pediatrician. "The thought" had crossed my mind, but I didn't think it could be true! You were so young and innocent...and I didn't want that to change. I didn't want D to force it's way into our home and take away your carefree childhood...but, as you know, D doesn't listen and entered our lives anyway.

You've been amazing about all of this from the very beginning....even though I know you would wish it all away in a second if you could! I know there were times when you fought and cried when it was time for your shots or site change....but I can't say I blame you, I'm sure, in your shoes, I would have done the same thing (or even worse...just ask Am-Maw)! I know that you've gotten braver over the years and you don't cry anymore...but I know it still hurts; I want you to know it's okay to say that...and even to cry sometimes if you want or need to!

You're dealing with some hard stuff, sweetie...much more than I ever had to at your age....and you're doing an incredible job!!! You've learned so much more than I could have imagined you would over these past few years. And you've grown and matured beyond your years....it's bittersweet to me. You've learned how to make healthy food choices, count carbs, check your sugar, work your insulin pump, recognize when you feel low...the list goes on and on. Most kids your age don't even know what carbs are, let alone how to figure out how many they are eating or drinking! You've made me proud by learning to become (mostly) independent with your D-tasks...but at the same time it makes me sad that these are things that you've had to learn.

Although you haven't come right out and said it, I know you've been a bit burned-out lately dealing with D...I see that look in your eyes when you're interrupted from your fun to deal with D. I wish with every ounce of my being that I could just take it all on myself for you...even those nasty glucocoasters. But since I can't really do that, I'll do the next best thing. I promise to be the best mama pancreas I can be and to relieve you from your sugar checks, insulin bolusing, and "low" snack grabbing duties whenever you need a break from it all! I know it's not as good as a cure, but it's the best I can do for now....and we'll work together toward finding that elusive cure!

And speaking of the cure....I want you to know how incredibly proud I am that, even at 7 years old, you are learning to be proactive -- fundraising and advocating for better care and eventually a cure! You aren't just sitting around waiting for the cure to happen. You're doing great things and making a difference, not just for you but for everyone out there living with Type 1 diabetes...and those who haven't yet been diagnosed.

I'm not sure if I ever told you this before, but...ladybug, you are my hero! You've been faced with more in your 7-1/2 years of life than many people are faced with in a lifetime...yet you don't let it get the best of you or drag you down, instead you are taking the lemons you've been handed and making lemonade!

I love you my ladybug!

Forever,
Mommy